Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
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It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Camping tip: No.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take