@Sassafrantz: I found out why I'm still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
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@AndrewNadeau0: ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted. MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor? Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.” Wife: Me: Everything isn’t about you.
@IamEnidColeslaw: Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."
@Ideal_Victoria: Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre. Their girlfriends however... not so much.