@Sassafrantz: I found out why I'm still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
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@SamGrittner: Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
@Underchilde: My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
@Hobo_Splendido: Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny.
@better_off_dad: A simple smile can brighten someone's day... ...but a wide-eyed, toothy lunatic smile can keep them up all night.