Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
She: I like Cats
He:
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes