Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
crochet youtube is brutal
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything