I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
how high up are we talkin’?
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Hard not to take this personally
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.