@SveldtSmelt: I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
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@TheBoydP: Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
@GrantTanaka: *sees burglar *throws flashlight at him *misses *throws another *misses *throws another *misses *throws another Burglar: WTF Me: COSTCO
@justincousson: "I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!" I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
@VodkaThursday: Just sang & made up multiple lyrics w/ actions to "If you're happy & u know it" for thirty minutes... In case u need help writing that novel