@SveldtSmelt: I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
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@Gooooats: I live in my parent's basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth's core.
@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
@iwearaonesie: wife: Why didn't you talk to me about getting a goat? me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no