@SveldtSmelt: I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: Why don't we ever have sex anymore? Me: What's this "we" shit? I'm having plenty.
@iwearaonesie: [dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!
@QwertyJones3: [kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time] "They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb."