Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Previously On Persistence 😎
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.