I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
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Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Personal question. #JustSaying
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here