I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Hmmmmm
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.