I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna