I found your tweet-up…
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Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Thoughts
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines