I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE