I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.