I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Sign at work today
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.