I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Ron is short for Aaronald
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Europe. Made in Germany.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked