I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.