Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.