lmao
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.