I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
work smarter, not harder
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.