I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
#FunnyLife Insects
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
They got Raph!