I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?