Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Rooting for the overdog
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything