@MAB1013: I gave myself whiplash. It couldn't be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren't gonna teach themselves how to head bang.
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@naughtygeisha3: Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend's cat or dog it's like all the appreciation goes out the window.
@fsuflores: I feel so bad for all these women that give me their phone numbers and when I call the line has been disconnected This economy is ruthless.
@scorpicpanda: Me: "OMG, my abs are so sore!" 12: (sarcastically) "What abs?" Me: "The abs hiding under this protective layer of you're grounded."
@Fat_Jalbert: [cop car] Buzzfeed Guy: It's okay I work for Buzzfeed Cop: You robbed 10 banks Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn't believe how much I got from #6!