perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos