“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Me irl
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.