“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Wait a minute
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.