INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
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Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious