Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
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If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I am crying
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word