I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.