*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
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HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]