*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.