I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
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[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days