@TheTweetOfGod: I genuinely don't remember making you all this stupid.
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Kidnapper." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
@Mr_Kapowski: Me: "I injured myself at the gym" Buddy: "Too much weight?" Me: "I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill"
@Seamus_the_Bold: I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
@storming01: The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.