[canadians at you, canadianly]
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Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
rise and shine we got egg
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
This is what makes twitter great
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch