30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.