I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us