@LizHackett: THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I'm drunk enough, I'll tell you. ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let's do this.

@AaronFullerton: "You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something..." *cop gets all up in suspect's face* "Targeted. Banner. Ads."

@neerjagurnani: This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

@Storminika: It's not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny -- just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

@Reverend_Scott: Carl: Perfect weather tonight. Me: Tell me something I don't know. Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet. Me: Fair enough.