“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
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At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts