ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
wut hotdog?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke