I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots