I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
You Might Also Like
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer