I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
dictator is short for richard potato
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME