I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry