@ericsshadow: I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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@blondecalamity: Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
@trevso_electric: Talking about your ex makes it sound like you're not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
@steveolivas: Me: Would you remarry if I died? Wife: Yes. Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile? Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
@noog: Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit Genie: That ones on the house