I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.