@tjcirimele: *cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won't leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
@samalmightysam: Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
@offbeatoliv: interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
@jeannerbeaner: "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
@hippieswordfish: wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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