@AbbieEvansXO: “god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

@moose_chocolate: Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?

@MartaEffing: When my date told me he was a 'culinary genius', I replied, 'Then this Brazilian won't go to waste!', and winked. Now we wait.

@TheHyyyype: NEW TEACHER: i'm mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, "baes" and "fams." i'm not your "squad" and this isn't "goals." this is english class, where we speak correctly. "sorry not sorry." STUDENT: mr jones TEACHER: yes? STUDENT: that was lit

@robfromonline: before you criticize someone remember they're a human being just like you with flaws and insecurities and if you focus on those it's easier to make them cry