i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You Might Also Like
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.