@blainecapatch: i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
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@AbbieEvansXO: “god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
@moose_chocolate: Why does the media always call a stabbing incident a "violent" stabbing incident? Is it possible to stab someone non-violently?
@MartaEffing: When my date told me he was a 'culinary genius', I replied, 'Then this Brazilian won't go to waste!', and winked. Now we wait.
@TheHyyyype: NEW TEACHER: i'm mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, "baes" and "fams." i'm not your "squad" and this isn't "goals." this is english class, where we speak correctly. "sorry not sorry." STUDENT: mr jones TEACHER: yes? STUDENT: that was lit