i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You Might Also Like
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Note to self: always read the final line
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.