I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
This 4th of July, please remember…
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*