Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Only a mother’s love …
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
sensitive skin
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
#catsoftwitter
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”