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@GoddamnedZombie: I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
@yonewt: In the movies, anyone can hotwire a car in 10 seconds. In real life, it takes me 20 minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental.
@haykshan: According to serving sizes tonight, I'm a family of 4.
@BucMarvin: Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
@Kyle_Lippert: [Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what's your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control