I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Wait a second…
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.