I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
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I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*