That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
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My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically