*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
buying dead houseplants to save time
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
🙂🐾
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”