Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
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What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
how to have an accident 101
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Still a very good boi….
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it